School Days

When we were small, we used to play the dare game, and dare each other to do stupid things. It was never sensible things, like "I dare you to help this small child across the road", no, "I dare you to put your tongue on an electric fire" Yes! And all the kids would go "no, no I can't do it", and one kid would always do it, the school mad kid. Remember him? Every school had a mad kid, it was a government system to get mad kids into school. One mad kid in every school, that was the Conservatives pledge, and they did it. They weren't the biggest kids, they weren't the most popular kids, they were just mad. We had a kid called Adams, he was our mad kid. We'd be there in assembly, and Adams would just stand up and shout "Headmaster! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!" He was just way over the discipline line, in the shot at dawn area, and the teachers would just go "ah, ah...", and the Headmaster came over and say "could you sit down, Adams". As well as the mad kid, every school had the kid who smelt strange! We had the kid who smelt of sandwiches, that was who I had at my school, and he was egg! I would come to school, we'd all have sandwiches in Tupperware boxes, and we'd open them up, and sniff, apple in there, mmm, quite nice, but he was sandwiches! He never brought sandwiches, he was sandwich kid. And the class would go "wow, that's egg". I don't know what it was, but his clothes, he must have gone home and gone "mum! The egg's wearing off! I think it's time for an egg wash", and his mum would go "oh, all right, get in the washing machine, three eggs in the top, on a boil wash" And he'd come out, egg. These kids were chosen by God, I feel, God would say "Angel Gabriel, go down, and tell the childs mother he shall smell of egg"
"Right, I'll do it, I'll go"
"I shall send down a choir of angels with you!"
"Oh no, not the racket, oh all right"
"Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah"
"Carol singers in the bedroom! Quick!"
"I'm not a fucking carol singer, I'm the Angel Gabriel, awake Mrs Stevens!"
"There's a chicken in the room, quick!"
"I'm not a chicken, I'm the Angel Gabriel! Hello? Look, your son, he has been chosen!"
"Great, will he be called Jesus?"
"Err, not exactly, love, erm, it's more of a sandwich thing really, err, he shall smell of sandwiches! Byeeeee! Egg, preferably!", and he would leap out the window, and crash land in some dustbins, and he'd go "Help me Mrs Stevens!", and she'd go
"Don't worry, I'll get Pants Cat!"
"What's happening, Angel Gabriel?"
"I'm stuck! Help me!"
"Use my pants!"