Cats

Cats have a scam going - you buy them the food, they eat it, and they go away, unless it's raining, or if they want to; you can't say "Cat! Be in by six! I don't want you back later! Don't you stay out... oh, god.... and don't take the car!" Vrrooom.... cat's looking out the front window... on cushions... with a Richard Nixon mask on so it looks like a human... could happen! So, yeah, cats have a cat door, dogs do not have a dog door, it's a big inequality, and we just think it's fine; and they have this new improved thing, with cat and dog food, new improved, and who knows? Who checks? You have to give it to your dog, and say "is it new improved?" And the dog goes "I don't know, I'm a dog". They eat anything dogs, bit of sofa, some broken biscuits, dog goes "mmmm, lovely, a bit of sofa". Cats are much more choosy, they look at their food, "okay, hmmm, so this is? Right. New improved? Really. Err.. I'm going out", and they go out the cat door, and you're there going "come back! come back! And don't take the car! And don't take the motorbike either!" Vrrrrooommm "Don't take the stilts! Don't take the kangaroo!" How far will Bridgewater go? "Don't take my pogo stick!" I'm losing them... But they do, they always walk out the cat door, and before they go out, they just stop, and go "keys", and they're gone. But dogs, they go "can I go out?" and you go, "I'm busy", and the dog says "Cat went out", and you go "yeah, he's got a cat door" and the dog goes "is that how he does it? I always thought he just melted through the wall!" But the cats, they always go out through the door. And you know sometimes the cats in the kitchen, going "Purrrrrrrrr".... he's drilling another cat door; the handycat's come round to drill another one in. If you see a cat going out the front door, with one of those belts with all the tool things, that's the handycat, and you go "Hey! Hey! Who are you?" and the cat goes "byeee"; fucking handycat's come round! "Don't take the car!" vrroooommm "He's nicked my car!" 'cos you've got about four cars, "not again, not the Mercedes."